That's What She Said
by sesheta255
Summary: As randomly stupid as I can make Horizon, from Garrus' point of view.


_Yes, even Horizon is not safe from random stupidity._

_Thanks to Star for her suggestions._

_Bioware owns all, and they can definitely keep Horizon, lol._

* * *

**That's What She Said**

Mordin's counter measures against the seeker swarms seemed to be working and Garrus shook his head as Shepard took out another Collector. She had been behaving like a person possessed since they'd landed. He wondered what The Illusive Man had said to her to get this reaction. There was one way to find out. He activated his omnitool.

"Joker, its Garrus. What the hell is going on? Shepard is not acting like herself."

"What do you mean Garrus?"

"C'mon Joker. I don't have time for your games right now. She gets more and more frantic every time we come across a colonist in stasis. She's covered in husk guts because she's given up shooting them and just punches the hell out of them now. I thought she was going to kick the last colonist we found, and she's swearing and cursing so bad that she'd make the toughest mercs in the galaxy throw down their weapons and surrender without a shot being fired. I've seen her angry before but this is a whole nother level altogether. So what the hell is going on?"

"If you must know The Illusive Man let it drop that Alenko was on Horizon."

"Oh. _Oh crap._ You know if the Collectors have taken him, nothing is going to stop her from heading through the Omega 4 relay whether we're ready or not."

"Yeah, the thought has crossed my mind Garrus. I'll get Chakwas to stand by with an injection to knock her out if she gets any brilliant ideas on that score."

Garrus was interrupted by Shepard yelling at him to take cover or she'd damn well shoot him herself, and if he wanted to stand on a battlefield with his head up his ass she could arrange it for him.

Joker's laughter sounded loud and clear. "I see what you mean about her mood. That last suggestion of hers sounded anatomically impossible, but you never know with Shepard. She may experiment on your hide till she gets it right."

"I have to go Joker." He flicked off his omnitool and readied his rifle. The last thing he needed was for Shepard to hear Joker's comments. With the mood she was in she could well decide to put them into action.

* * *

Garrus could see the relief in Shepard's body as she heard Kaidan's voice. Now that she'd found him again her temper might improve. He glanced at Miranda who seemed to have decided to leave the talking to Shepard. _Good idea, I'm sure I'll have time to catch up with Kaidan on the Normandy._

They hugged; _that was a good sign wasn't it? It would be an interesting conversation that was for sure._ He was certain that Kaidan would say pretty much what he was thinking but with Shepard there was always another layer. He stopped his musing and turned his attention to the conversation.

"_It's been too long Kaidan. How have you been?" _

_What the hell had Cerberus done to Shepard?_ Garrus was glad he was behind Shepard so that she couldn't see the undoubtedly stupid look on his face right now. If he was sure Shepard wouldn't shoot him, he would have facepalmed, a human action that Joker had taught him for use when someone said something so totally stupid that it rendered everyone around them speechless.

_Kaidan doesn't sound thrilled with that greeting. Can't say I blame him though. Damn, he used the word 'loved'. Who knows how Shepard is going to take that._

"_Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."_

Shepard was being reasonable so far. The shock of seeing Kaidan mustn't have worn off yet, she hadn't even made reference to the 'loved' comment. But then who knew with humans, he still had a hard time figuring most of them out. Kaidan on the other hand was pretty pissed. _Damn it Shepard, why did you have to mention Cerberus?_

Kaidan was rambling on about rumours and Cerberus. Garrus wasn't paying that much attention to him, too busy watching Shepard in case he needed to step in, which going by the stiffness of her back could be sooner rather than later. He had a bad feeling about this conversation.

"_Cerberus and I want the same thing – to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."_

Shepard sounded like she almost believed that, but he knew better. _Cerberus were a means to an end. Why couldn't Kaidan see that? _He was the one person who should know her better than anyone. She was really trying hard not to answer Kaidan's anger with her own. It would be killing the Shepard he knew. _Cerberus definitely stuffed up somewhere when they rebuilt her. _He glanced at Miranda again. It was hard to believe that someone who claimed to be so perfect could have missed some wiring in her brain somewhere.

"_Kaidan you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason."_

_Damn it Kaidan. You know she can and will kick your ass if you don't stop being so pig headed._ Shepard was showing remarkable restraint. The only other time he could remember doing that was when she didn't shoot Udina. _Although come to think of it she had let Kaidan pussy foot around for a long time before they finally got together. Not to mention putting up with Joker's crap. Maybe my memory is faulty as well._

"_You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."_

_He's damn lucky he's still standing after calling her a traitor. I know he's in shock, not only was he apparently stonewalled by people that knew she was back, and the whole death and resurrection thing took a while to sink in, but does he really believe that of Shepard?_ Garrus was trying to restrain his anger as well as Shepard seemed to be. But being behind her he could see how stiff her back was. It would snap like a twig soon if this continued. She wouldn't thank him at all if he pulled a gun on Kaidan, especially not if she was considering doing the same thing herself.

"_I could use someone like you on my crew Kaidan. It will be just like old times."_

There was definitely an invitation in there. She was obviously getting desperate and needed some stress relief. She was appealing to his libido. For Shepard that response had been the closest she'd ever come to begging. _Crap! Kaidan is walking away._ Garrus took a small step forward in case he needed to stop Shepard from doing anything rash, although if she fired up her biotics there wouldn't be a damn thing he'd be able to do to stop her. Kaidan was either trying to show that he trusted her, or he'd forgotten her temper. To be fair though, it was much worse than it used to be. _I guess death and resurrection didn't agree with her._

"_Joker, send a shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."_

_Oh yeah, thanks very much Kaidan, you've just ensured that this mission will be an even worse hell than we expected it to be._ _On the plus side it shouldn't take long with her in this mood._ He was surprised that she'd actually let Kaidan walk away. He would have bet anything that she would have knocked him out and thrown him over her shoulder, much the same way as she had on Virmire. He would have come to finding himself chained up in her cabin most likely, and kept that way till he came to his senses and groveled for forgiveness.

* * *

The shuttle ride back to the ship was as tense an environment as Garrus had ever been in. Shepard sat upright and rigid, staring straight ahead, anger radiating from her. Miranda seemed as if she was going to speak but she wisely decided to hold her tongue on noticing Garrus shake his head.

Once they docked Garrus couldn't get out of the shuttle fast enough and headed to the bridge to warn Joker to keep his smartass comments to himself for once. The last thing they needed was for Shepard to kill their pilot. Shepard headed to the comm. room, no doubt to give The Illusive man a piece of her mind. _He's damn lucky Shepard doesn't know where he is or we'd be on the way there now._

Joker swiveled in his chair as Garrus arrived. "Well that sounded like fun. But hey, on the bright side I didn't get any reports from EDI of massive explosions on Horizon, so it can't be all bad."

Garrus shook his head and leaned against the wall. "You have no idea Joker. I'm as surprised as you are that Shepard didn't warp the bastard's ass when he walked away from her."

Joker snorted. "C'mon Garrus, she would never have harmed his ass, although I was expecting her to shoot him in the leg."

"That makes two of us. I don't think I've ever sweated so much in my life, but I was tempted to shoot him myself."

"That would have been bad Garrus. You know what Shepard would do to anyone who harmed Alenko, no matter how pissed off she is with him."

"Yeah and I don't think she's in the mood for your smartass comments either so I'd be careful if I were you." Garrus warned him seriously.

Joker shrugged. "We'll know soon enough. She's on her way."

Garrus turned his head to watch her storm onto the bridge.

"Joker, head to the Citadel. Now. I want some answers from Anderson." She turned and glared at Garrus. "Why are you two standing around gossiping like a couple of old women? Don't you have urgent calibrations to do?" I'll be in my cabin and I don't want to be disturbed until we reach the Citadel," she added as she walked away.

Joker couldn't help himself. "You seem tense Shepard. I've heard cucumbers are good for that. Maybe you should talk to Chambers."

Garrus' mandibles twitched as he stared incredulously at Joker. This time he did facepalm. Shepard stopped in her tracks, her hands curling into fists and her body shaking as she tried to regain control of herself. _There is no way I'm standing in the line of fire. Joker's on his own. _He breathed a sigh of relief as she continued walking without even looking back.

"You just had to say that didn't you?" he asked with a shake of his head.

"It just sort of slipped out." Joker said letting out a sigh of relief, for once wondering at his own stupidity.

"I wasn't about to save you either." Garrus pushed himself from the wall. "I apparently have calibrations to do. Try to get us to the Citadel as quickly as possible, and for all our sakes tape your damn mouth shut, before Shepard decides to kill us all." With that said, he left the bridge, muttering under his breath about Joker's stupidity. That had been way too close for comfort. Next time he might not be so lucky. Now he had another reason to curse Kaidan. He'd have been the one who had to put up with Joker. If only he hadn't been so damn stubborn. "Bastard."


End file.
